So, Obamarama Megathread, I come to you with a story you might like.
I was at a Halloween party Friday night that fluctuated from 25-40 people during the night. This is in a VERY conservative part of Florida, and basically everyone at this party except myself and my girlfriend is at the very low end of the socioeconomic scale, Wal-mart workers, Waffle House waitresses, etc. We are all sitting out in the backyard of my sister’s place with a roaring fire and all the food and alcohol you could hope for and then some motherfucker has to bring up politics.
Can you imagine who these people are voting for? I think you can. So for the next two hours or so, I took on all comers, and won, constantly, every single time. With my trusty laptop computer I proceeded to prove every single bullshit claim about the Senator’s policies wrong.
“He’s going to take what I have and give it to others!” fucking OWNED.
“He’s going to destroy small businesses!” fucking OWNED.
“He’ll surrender in Iraq and lose all we’ve gained!” fucking OWNED.
<just about any other policy question you can think of> fucking OWNED.
And so, once they had exhausted all possible policy arguments against Senator Obama, it was time to pull out the racism and lies. But your humble correspondent was more than ready, and again it was time for people to get fucking OWNED.
“He’s a ‘secret’ Muslim!” fucking OWNED.
“He’s a communist!” fucking OWNED.
“He’s friends with terrorists!” fucking OWNED.
“He changed his last name from Osama to Obama!” fucking OWNED.
At long last, there was only one fellow still standing against me, a late 20s/early 30s Navy guy who had not dared to face me directly all night but who I had seen whispering shit to other people, who I then proceeded to fucking destroy.
Now, I don’t want to make too much of this, but I want you all to understand just how bad-rear end this scenario really is. For 2 hours, 2 solid hours, I’ve been standing in front of this flickering fire taking down all comers with calmness, dignity, and aplomb. I’ve convinced 10+ of these people to vote for their own and their country’s fucking self-interest this election instead of voting based on fear being sold by assholes. And now, at long last, their chief himself steps up.
I am not making this up. Every single person at this party is now looking at the two of us, and from the remaining McCain people there is a palpable air of “Oh, shit, our Navy guy is about to rip his shit up!” It’s like the end of a Dragonball Z episode or something. This is what happens, nearly verbatim.
Navy Guy: “You’re going to vote for a man who isn’t even a fucking AMERICAN!”
JS: “What do you mean?”
NG: “He wasn’t even born in America! He had to renounce his American citizenship to go to his Muslim school in Indonesia! He’s not even a citizen!”
JS: “First of all, you’re wrong, and second of all, he was like 4 years old. You can’t renounce your citizenship when you’re 4 any more than you can sign a legally binding contract. But that doesn’t matter, because Senator Barack Obama is an American who was born in Hawaii.”
NG: “Aw, bullshit. Go ahead and vote for someone who’s not even an American.”
JS: “So, you are certain about this? That a serving United States Senator whose background has been investigated probably more thoroughly than any other man in the history of the entire world has somehow managed to hide the fact that he is not even an American citizen? Is that what you are saying?”
NG: “drat right.”
JS: “And you are sure about this?”
NG: “One. Hundred. Percent.”
I have you now.
JS: “Then let’s put our money where our mouths are.”
NG: >bright-eyed “confrontation grin” begins to crack< “What do you mean?”
JS: “Well, you’ve made a pretty vicious slander against Senator Obama, and you’ve claimed you are certain it is true. I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is not. So how about this. If you aren’t completely full of shit and just flat-out knowingly lying, let’s make a bet on it. If you win, I will donate what we bet to Senator McCain’s campaign. And if I win, you will donate what we bet to Senator Barack Obama.”
NG: >grin is gone, I can smell panic< “Fine. How much?”
JS: “Two thousand two hundred and fifty dollars.”
NG: >silence, looks around at the audience<
JS: >extends hand<
NG: “Well, now-”
JS: “Do you want to bet, or don’t you? Because if you don’t, I think it might be indicative that you are lying.”
NG: >silence, sense of mounting panic<
JS: “I have my credit card with me and my computer, and I’m ready to put my money where my mouth is. How about it?”
NG: “Well, you know, you can get whatever you want to come up on that computer.”
JS: “Does that mean you don’t want to bet?”
NG: “I just know you’ll cheat.”
JS: “I’ll let you look it up.”
NG: “Bah, fuck that, like I’d trust someone who’d vote for Obama.”
JS: “Does that mean you don’t want to bet?”
JS: “But you were so confident.”
NG: >glares, looks down, looks around at people, LEAVES PARTY WITHOUT ANOTHER WORD<
The best part of this story is what happens next. There was a group of 6 20-25ish kids there who work with my sister. As we silently watch Navy Guy take his walk of shame to his car, the “leader” of this little group indicates me and says, “Man, if that guy is voting for Obama, I am too,” which is roundly huzzahed by his followers. I pretty much felt like Neo in the Matrix.
So, +17 for Obama Friday night in Florida. But even better, 2 solid hours of stomping bullshit into the ground culminating in seeing Emperor Bullshit exposed as having no clothes, after all.
I hope that dude drove home crying and punching his leg.